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Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Fhqwhgads! 

Work is a killer at the moment. Hell, I don't even have time to come up with that "harsh-light-of-reality" post that promises to be so much fun to write. The only reason I'm even posting this I 'cos I'm waiting for a 700kb email to send, (wave and flash me a blurry smile from you speedy broadband train as I plod along in my dial-up donkey cart) and even that's a pretty thin excuse. I could be doing something else. But times come when a little distraction isn't a bad thing. (Come on damn you, stupid big email attachment)

I'll have more time in a week or two, check back then. Or sooner, you never know you luck in a big country.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Yes, I know how bad it looks. 

Before I copy paste the rest in here, let me just say: Early morning, not-quite-sober posts ROCK! And there's nothing you can do about it. (Re-read-by-the-harsh-light-of-reality hasty explanatory post to follow soon...)

what am I supposed to do i moments like these? just ignore them? just let them pass, how can I trust myself to express them accurately, to not get caught up in the act of writing and lose the feeling itself in the process?

i feel, tired. in a good way. in a great way. i feel content. absolutely content. and yet I'm on my own. and i laugh at myself for thinking that's a bad thing, to be content on your own. and yet I'm not, not alone. there is a song with me, my brother's song. Tula tu. a beautiful lullaby with a very african sound.

maybe it's the alocohol, maybe it's the experience of dancing and talking and being and learning from strangers. maybe it's being with my best friend and being surprised by him. definitely it is all these things, all together.

i am happy, i am smiling. i am probably not getting through to you. how could i? these are words, with all their power they have not the power to make you feel like i do. ah well. try.

i want to be honest. honest with myself and with my experience. with my memory, to remember and understand it truthfully. to experience myself, my self, truthfully. without fooling myself. i want to understand more than i do now, to accept things i don't accept at the moment. to not be so convinced of my own convictions and to listen, really listen with the intent of understanding, to those of others.

i want to know. to know so much. and i want to be... wait I want to go switch off the outside light that i left on.

hmm, never mind. it's the dawn light shining underneath my door. not the outside light...

*clears throat* I want to go to bed, I am happy. happy that i wrote this, senseless and corny as it is. giddy, half-drunken early morning brain spillage is better than no rush of words from the head at all.

sleep well world. i love you all. yes even you at the back with the runny nose and the smelly feet.

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